Brandi's Blog

Aspiring Author Sparking Thoughts

True Sight

When the eyes are truly the windows to the soul

 Written by Brandi Schmidt

CHAPTER 1

 I never thought it would end like that, dirty, dying and the worst part, I was alone. Thinking back on my life, I should have taken more chances, should have lived more. I was so safe, so predictable. Now it was over! At 24, my life, if you can call it a life, was over.

There, at the end, of course I reflected on my small little life and all I could think was that I never met the one, my soul mate, the man to father my children, the one to love me forever. I never realized it was so important to me. I thought I had more time. I thought I could wait; I thought I could be picky. I tried to hold out for that prince on the white horse. I should have settled for a normal guy and given up that impossible fairytale. I could imagine the obituary, “Truedence Leigh Darling, age 24, dies alone leaving no husband or children, only grieving parents and one agravating older brother.” Totally lame.

Crap! Crap! Crap! Why did I waste so much of my life? Sure, I had a good job, education, and a cute house – but what else? What did I have that really mattered? Not to say I was one of those girls that needed a man to “complete” her, but it would have been nice to have a partner, someone that would hold my hand while I died. Geese, that’s not too much to ask for.  I actually had thought about him before. He would have been kind and generous, maybe even a philanthropist. He would be involved with the Peace Corps or some other world saving effort. Sweet and wonderful with a huge heart and kind soul, not to mention insanely hot. We would have had two kids, a boy and girl. I even had the names picked out. We would have grown old together watching our family prosper, meeting our great grandkids. Even after death, we would have met again to spend an eternity together floating on clouds and feeding each other grapes. They would have talked about out love for generations to come, totally trumping Romeo and Juliet. 

Ugh! I hated to admit it, but my mother was right. I did regret not dating more. I should have gone on those thousands of blind dates she tried to set up. Every single boy in St. Louis was on her list, especially if they were going to medical school. Unfortunately she was the worst matchmaker, always setting up anyone that would let her no matter how gross they were. I hoped I wouldn’t do that to my children (if I got the chance to meet them). I totally blew off all her attempts.  Now here I was, death floating all around me, with no boy, no doctor, no one. I let the overwhelming sadness take me into it’s grasp. I recoiled, giving up, I waited for the end. Totally pathetic. 

Suddenly, the world came rushing back to me. Without warning all my scenes sharpened. I hadn’t noticed I wasn’t feeling until I crashed back into my body.  I ached and my head pounded. I reached out, feeling the rough ground beneath me. Eyes clenched tight, it was wet and cold. One side of my face submerged in water, from the taste of it, filthy water.

I heard someone or something scream, a low yell then slowly raised to a high-pitched piercing scream that pounded at the base of my skull. Groggily, I lifted my three-ton head out of the puddle and wondered how I ended up lying facedown on the ground. I spat the rocky water from my mouth and made a mental note that if I didn’t die, I would brush my teeth for like a week, with a thousand Listerine chasers.

Opening my eyes, I saw the rain. I had to blink a couple of times, not really believing what was in front of me. It was the most beautiful rain I’d ever seen, each droplet a brilliant star against the black velvet night. My eyes widened, despite the pain it caused, to gaze at their beauty.

Holy moly! Not only was I dying but the stars were actually falling out of the sky. The rain of stars emerged out of an unknown origin; they cascaded to the ground, bouncing free before they faded into the darkness. Peace consumed me as I watched them fall. I reached out to try to catch them, to put them back into the sky to save them, but my arm gave out. I was too weak; I crashed back into the puddle, the dirty water covering the side of my face.

I felt death fill me again. My body feeling light, I realized my last look at the world was going to be that perfect rain of stars. OK, that was the end. Maybe in my next life I would find the one and get that fairytale I never knew I wanted. I hoped I wouldn’t come back as a dog or something gross, they don’t mate for life and well have you ever seen a dog do it. I recoiled, bracing myself. I was ready to be with them, to fade into the darkness like the lovely stars – my only companion at the end.

The rhythmic screaming became louder. My head throbbed and I struggled to breathe, fighting the dirty water that attempted to invade my throat. When was it going to end? I already said I was ready.

Then, someone or something touched my face. Was it God or an angel? Gently, they cradled my head and neck, encasing it in a stiff brace. I didn’t think God needed braces, he could heal the lame. Crap, this meant I was worse than lame!

I mumbled something, but he hushed me, telling me everything would be alright. I reluctantly opened my eyes and saw red and white flashing lights. I winced at the lights causing my brain to throb with pain. I was confused. I thought heaven would be all white clouds and harps – but most importantly, no pain! Maybe I wasn’t going to heaven. I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Hell must be taking not only the bad but the boring too, which was the only way I would get in.

“You’ve been in an incident, but you’re going to be OK.” That didn’t sound like God. Opening my eyes again, I saw a man, not God, looking at me. His eyes intense and brow furrowed. Maybe this wasn’t the end.

I wondered if he saw the stars? I gurgled at him to look for them, but he hushed me again.

Moving my eyes to the right, I saw I was on the ground outside my garage, my car still angled in the alley behind my South City bungalow. Ugh! My new Coach purse was lying in a puddle next to the car! I sighed. Well, that was totally ruined.

How did I get there? The memories were fuzzy, but I remembered I’d left the party early to beat the weather. My smart-mouthed big brother, Brandon, made fun of me saying I was over protective of my “silly” car. How could I not be? I loved my new, white Honda Civic. I knew it wasn’t fast and flashy, but it was my first new car.

I was driving home through a fierce storm, and as I turned onto my block, I noticed all the houses were dark and assumed the electricity was out.

The detached garage had an alley entrance with a manual door.  I got out and struggled with the wet steel handle. I had to put my new car in the garage! I’d heard that hail was expected, and wasn’t going to have a car that looked like a dimpled golf ball. My memory ended there. The next thing I was peaceful and finally the stars. They made me feel warm and safe. I wanted them, it made no sense, but I did. 

The wet night wrenched me back to my current predicament. Now there were two people beside me. I could feel them pawing over me, checking for broken bones and cuts, I assumed. Focusing on their touches I mentally checked for pain. My body was fine, just achy, although head was killing me and I felt different, strange. I felt electrified as if every cell in my body was over-excited, like I’d had a bucket-full of Latte’s.

They tilted me onto the back-board and lifted, Feeling out of control, I tried to turn my head and grasp at something solid to hold onto, but I couldn’t move. Not only was my neck braced but I was also tied down. They slid me into the back end of the ambulance and shut the doors on my fallen stars. Immediately, I missed their beauty and the tranquility they brought me. I felt close to them somehow, I couldn’t explain or even understand it.

The bright light from the inside of the ambulance burned my eyes; I closed them tighter, I groaned fighting the pain in my head. I felt like a prisoner, tortured by the white light that blinded me without mercy. I tried to concentrate on my breathing, like Lamaze or something, anything to stop the pain in my head.

The EMT closest to me began talking to the driver in a authoritative voice that carried throughout the ambulance bouncing off the metal walls and echoed in my ears, “Her vitals are stable, BP is 120 over 80, heart rate 150, a little high but not bad,” Sweet. I was stable, not dying. “Her pupils are responsive, reflexes are good. I don’t see any life- threatening contusions.” He paused and lowered his voice; “Trudence.” his voice was gentle and sweet and sounded too young. “Trudence can you hear me?”

Ugh! I’d never liked my name.  I went by Tru, but now wasn’t the time to argue. With my eyes tightly closed, I nodded. I opened my mouth and for a moment, nothing came out. I still tasted the rocky water and my stomach turned a little. Finally, I was able to ask, “W-what happened?” My voice sounded so strange and weak.

“It’s going to be OK. You’re safe now.” His voice made me feel safe and I believed my young EMT, I would be OK, but he didn’t answer my question. What had happened to me?

“What happened?” I asked again. He hushed me and kept working. He sure did hush me a lot. But since I was still strapped in, I’d  better not annoy the only person who could set me free. I tried to relax and remember my fallen stars. Maybe I had died and that was a glimpse of heaven. I let the memory consume me. It felt like a flood of warm water rushing over me, encasing me, pushing out the pain. I saw them in my mind and smiled.

After bouncing around for a while, we stopped. I heard the buzz around me; I wondered what I look like to them. I was wearing a white cardigan with my favorite khaki skirt. My light brown hair was perfectly flat ironed straight and long. My new brown boots were killing my toes, but they were too cute. I was sure they would be the envy of the emergency room. Suddenly I thought of something I’d seen on a trauma special on the Learning Channel yes the Learning Channel. Sometimes it was cool to actually know what goes on in the world outside my own. Anyway, the first responders cut the clothes off the victim…

Oh. My. God. Was I naked? I could feel the heat fill my face at the thought of being undressed, baring it all to the world, more specifically the St. Louis Barnes Jewish Hospital emergency room. Thinking back over the day, I tried desperately to remember what I wore under my khaki skirt and cardigan set. Oh, God, not those, please anything but those. I felt the heat fill my face. What would the first responders think about my big white granny panties? I would never be any more embarrassed than I was at that very moment. From that day forward only cute matching panty and bra sets for me. I could have just died – well not literally. Not again.

 “Open your eyes, and look at me,” the nurse demanded. I imagined the light in the ER, I was totally sure the light would burn right through my skull, or at least it would totally feel that way. I shook my head no, or better yet, hell no! By her huff and grumble, I could tell she wasn’t pleased with my unspoken response.

 “You know, if you refuse, I can force them open.”

Crap. She sounded serious. Cringing at the thought of the nurse prying my lids back, I decided it was better to comply with her, no matter the pain from the fluorescent devil lights. I know that was a bit dramatic, but it really hurt.

I opened my eyes and a round-faced nurse stared back at me, her breath smelled of coffee and cigarettes, and was hot on my face. Amazingly, the pain was tolerable. Relieved and grateful, I took note of my surroundings. I was in a hospital bed, but before I had time to think, the nurse moved closer and tapped my face.

 “How many fingers am I holding up?” She held up a pudgy hand with two digits raised.

 “Two,” I murmured in a thickened voice.

 “What is today’s date?” she demanded more than asked.

“October 5^th,” I replied even quicker.

“Good,” she reassured me with a pat on my arm.

The nurse and the aids buzzed around me. Their movements seemed well-choreographed. It was almost beautiful in a strange, sterile way. The lights were bright and the walls a stark white. A standard hospital mural was hung to my left. My friend Karlie, would be disgusted with the lack luster attempt at art.

“Good evening, Ms. Darling.” A deep voice said. I jerked my head toward the sound of the voice, only then realizing they’d removed my neck-brace and my arms were free. “It seems you’ve have had a very eventful Friday night,” The doctor was tall and slender with gray hair and thin, skeleton-like fingers. I looked at him, puzzled. I still couldn’t remember what had happened and no one was answering my questions.

I searched my mind for the answers while the doctor checked over my chart mumbling something inaudible to the round-faced nurse. The rain! I could remember the rain of stars. Had that really been a piece of heaven? Had I died and been brought back?

His deep voice jolted me out of thought, “You’ve hit your head, but suffered no permanent damage. You have a mild concussion and will need to take some mild analgesics for the next couple of days. We’ll be keeping you overnight for observation.”

I nodded, more to shut him up than in agreement. I wanted to close my eyes, remember the beautiful rain and forget the raging pain that was beginning to invade my skull again, dam those devil lights.

Feeling two pills pushed into my hand, I opened my eyes to see a young nurse staring at me with a big smile and a small white cup.

“Here. Take these you will feel better soon.” She handed me the cup of water and I gulped down the pills – anything to take the pain away.

After what seemed like an eternity, they moved me to a semi-private room. Welcoming the quiet, I realized it was late, almost 4:30 a.m.  I was exhausted. Brandon would be furious but I was too tired to talk. I would explain everything to him in the morning.

Trying to replay the night in my head, all I could see was the rain, so magical and mysterious. It didn’t matter where it came from or who’d sent it. I smiled a little to myself as the drugs kicked in. Finally, I slept.

“I can’t believe you.” I slowly opened my eyes. Brandon’s furrowed brow confirmed it- he was mad. “You didn’t call me. You were in an accident and you didn’t call me or at least have the hospital get in touch with me. They would have called next of kin, which is me! I know I’m on the registration, I asked the nurse outside.” Brandon paced the small hospital room his hands balled into fists and arms crossed.

“I’m OK,” I whispered, if only to get him to stop pacing. I didn’t know if it was the accident, the drugs, or his pacing but my stomach was churning.  I swallowed hard. He paused and glared at me. He was mad at me! I was lying in a hospital bed and he was mad at me.

“Really I’m fine.” Sitting up, I felt fine. A little sore and queasy but my head didn’t hurt, thank you pain killers. I glanced around, it seemed my concerns about my missing outfit were right. I pulled my covers over the standard blue hospital gown, and questioned, “How did you know?”

“I’m a firefighter Tru. I know all the EMT’s in the area; a friend called. I can’t believe you didn’t call me.” Brandon glared from across the small room. I knew that look. He wouldn’t listen, but I tried.

“Hey, this isn’t a picnic for me either! Look at me.” I tugged on my gown. “I was undressed and you know these people? They saw my hoots and everything and you’re mad at me? You should try thinking about someone else for a change!” I crossed my arms, fighting back tears of anger and embarrassment.

We sat in silence. Brandon steamed in the corner.  Finally a nurse came in to release me. After a few arduous forms and questions, I was OK’d to leave.

“Tru, let’s go.” Brandon was ready, and so was I.

Getting into the car, he watched me carefully as if I was going to break into pieces at any moment. I was not that weak. I could take care of myself. Irritated, I huffed and stared out the window. Brandon looked over and touched my elbow. I jerked away.

“What’s wrong now?” He pressed.

“Nothing,” I lied.

“Yeah right Tru. I know you. You have that ‘I’m pissed’ pout.”

“Yeah, you know everything,” I said my voice dripped with sarcasm.

“What? Do your hoots hurt?” He smiled wide and I narrowed my eyes at him trying to look as menacing as possible. He always made fun of my mothers name for breasts. So I called boobs hoots, what was the big deal. It was just another thing for him to be a jerk about.

Driving down my familiar street I glanced down the alley. My car wasn’t there. As we pulled up the short drive, I noticed Joe waiting for us.

“Tru!” he yelled from his porch next door. Waving a quick hello, he jogged up to me and Brandon his smile wide and an unexpected eagerness in his step.

“Hey Tru, how are you?” he asked, looking like he was surprised to see me. His brown tussled curls bounced in the icy wind of an abnormally cold October afternoon. He was average height, average weight, with a camophalage coat and jeans. Joe was the kind of guy that made a great best friend. He was the guy you trusted and confided in, the preverbal “good guy”.

“Hi Joe. I am fine, thanks.”

“Well after last night, I thought you would be out of commission for a while. It was a wild night.” Joe’s brown eyes widened with excitement.

Great, he saw me a mess too.

“What do you mean?” I questioned. “What exactly did happen last night?”

“Oh, you don’t remember?” He looked surprised.

Brandon interjected, “Let’s go inside and talk. It is too cold out here.”

I frowned at him for again thinking I was fragile. I grabbed the hidden key and we walked into my little brick house. My living room was small, but cozy, the right size for me, although it barely fit all of us.

Brandon and I sat on the loveseat; Joe sat across from us in the chair. Joe smiled eagerly and twitched a little, like a kid with a big secret. Brandon nodded as if to give him permission to tell the story. I rolled my eyes.  

“So this was what I heard and saw, maybe you’ll remember some of it. I was coming home it was storming, hard. I noticed the power was out on the block and pulled into the alley to park my truck in the garage. That’s when I saw you. You were lying on the ground in front of your garage. You looked terrible.” He paused to look at me briefly, “I ran to you but there were sparks everywhere.” His hands flew up rounding the air with more enthusiasm I’d seen from him.

Stopping him mid-stream, I asked, “What do you mean, sparks?” Joe frowned at the interruption.

“Well as best we can tell, the storm was producing a lot of thunder and lightening. It was a really wicked storm. Lightening struck a transformer in the alley.”

Interrupting again I asked, “What’s a transformer?”

Brandon and Joe looked at each other and rolled their eyes. So I wasn’t an engineer. They looked at me like I was stupid, what the hell.

“It’s the big thing on the telephone pole that looks like a gray trash can.” Brandon smirked. I glared at him, showing my aggravation. I thought of how I would have to talk with him about his attitude, but just not then, not in front of Joe.

“Anyway, the lightening hit the transformer, and it blew. There was a huge blast, then a fountain of sparks. You were lying there only a few feet away from it. I was sure you were burnt to a crisp, or at least really hurt. I’m glad to see I was wrong.”

Those were sparks? My heavenly rain of stars was nothing more than electrical sparks. How depressing. I felt my face fall. I saw them as magical and not of this earth. I wasn’t listening anymore, consumed by the memory of my stars. Brandon noticed; he nudged me. Grimacing, I refocused on Joe.

“I called 911, and they were able to turn off the electrical current to get to you. You didn’t respond at first. I tried to help, but they wouldn’t let me near you, so I wasn’t sure how you were. They said the blast threw you into the garage door. I’m glad to see you made it through the night.” His smile was sweet but intense, revealing more than just feelings of friendship.

“Thanks,” I said, returning the smile, but not the feelings. “I am fine, just shaken up a bit.” Joe was great, in a neighbor friend way. He kept his grass cut and didn’t bother me too much. When I moved in two years ago, he flirted with me, badly. It was awkward but after I made my intensions or rather, lack thereof, clear, things had been great. Sometimes I could still feel him wanting more from our relationship.

Brandon jumped up. “Joe thanks for filling in the blanks. Tru should get some rest.” Brandon eyed the door in a not so subtle way of saying it was time to leave. I rolled my eyes at him for like the hundredth time that day. I couldn’t argue, though. The hospital bed had been lumpy, and I didn’t sleep well, in spite of the drugs.

Joe looked at me, and I smiled letting him know it was OK to go. He got up and said his goodbyes to me and Brandon, well to me anyway. He mentioned that he had moved my car into my garage just as Brandon shut the door. I would thank him later for that.

Brandon returned to sit next to me. I scowled at him.

“What?” Throwing up his hands and smiling a little.

“You were rude to Joe.”

“No I wasn’t, you need some rest,” he said while he nudged me off the couch.

“I am an adult you know; I can take myself to bed. You are not my father.” Standing, I think I stamped my foot a bit, because his smile broadened. Huffing in aggravation, I walked down the hall. “Fine I will go to bed. Are you staying?”

“Yeah I guess, I need to catch up on sports center, and my cable is still out from the storm.” He smiled and grabbed the remote. I rolled my eyes again and went to my room.

I knew he cared.  Nevertheless, he thought just because he was three years older than I was, he could run my life. It was so infuriating. Someday I would tell him exactly how I felt; he would listen whether he liked it or not.

I gave up on being aggravated, and collapsed onto my bed. It was too comfortable, and I was more tired than I thought. My eyes closed and once again, I saw the rain of stars; well not anymore. Now they were just sparks. Still, they were amazing even if they were not magical.

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